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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26465455">Phantom Pain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvery_sunset/pseuds/silvery_sunset'>silvery_sunset</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Study?, Crying, Gen, M/M, Post-Break Up, Space Metaphors, The Little Prince (book) References</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:22:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,281</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26465455</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvery_sunset/pseuds/silvery_sunset</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people..."</p><p>Sachirou wonders what will it be like, now that his own star is gone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hirugami Sachirou/Hoshiumi Kourai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Phantom Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HiruHoshi broke up. I'm sad. I'm also a basic nerd.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It feels funny, to say the least. </p><p>He did it himself. Sachirou said it with all the letters while watching Kourai's eyes slowly widen. He felt the hands grabbing his arms and keeping him in place. </p><p>Hands smaller than his that fit so perfectly, calluses from volleyball that rubbed against his now soft palm. The phantom touch of them tingled under his skin minutes after Kourai let go from Sachirou's grip. </p><p>He could still feel it, small hands holding his, carefully. A thumb brushing against his knuckles slowly before Kourai would wrap tape around Sachirou's fingers. </p><p>It was still there, the ghost of lips coming in contact with that very spot, right after they started dating. Sachirou recalls how silly it was, how he wasn't some kind of damsel in distress to take part in such a ridiculous act. Kourai rolled his eyes and did it again. Lots and lots of times. Kisses against his knuckles, the back of his hand until Sachirou's belly hurt from instinctively laughing at the ticklish feeling, until he pulled the silly idiot close and asked him. </p><p>"How about an actual kiss this time, my prince?" </p><p>And when time stopped and he felt like floating, although his body was pulled to the ground by strong hands, clawing to his jacket. When the world stopped turning for them, and them only, it was a glimpse of heaven that pumped euphoria in his veins and melted ice and thorns inside Sachirou's heart. </p><p>The thorns are gone. So is the ice. What clenches around his chest and leaves him breathless, leaning his forehead against his bathroom's door, it was phantom pain. </p><p>The shirt he's wearing has a wet spot a little above his chest. In his mind, it was still stretched, grabbed by those hands. He still felt them, warm wet tears soak the fabric in silent hiccups and apologies.</p><p>They echoed his own sobs and tears against the closed door. </p><p>It's been almost half a day, a voice in his head whispers. </p><p>Why now?</p><p>"I don't know." </p><p>"I can't"</p><p>"I apologise." </p><p>"I am so sorry."</p><p>Sachirou's throat clenches. He echoed Kourai's words, now his. Each syllable muttered against the wood punctured his chest like a spear and twisted it slowly, he bled it out. </p><p>Sitting on the floor, he wonders how it'll be. </p><p>It's always been Kourai. An incoming light into his path of darkness that yelled at him for being an idiot hard enough to make him realize it. Who told Sachirou he could be what he wanted to. Who hugged him so tight he thought Kourai would break his ribs when Sachirou got into college, who kissed his tears away when they watched sachiko monogatari for the nth time while eating ice cream, who slept on his couch after Sachirou pulled another all nighter in the library, and left takeout on the kitchen table.</p><p>The boy with a smile that made Sachirou want to be a little better, a little happier, just so he could see it again. </p><p>Kourai never needed him. Sachirou knew he'd find his way to leap into the sky and soar against the wind of the unfair world whether it wanted or not. Unhinged and unstoppable and still level headed and responsible. A paradox that spoke on his own complicated language of love, of teasing and fighting to overly dramatical extent and of getting Sachirou a blanket when sleep got the best of him in finals season. </p><p>A guardian angel, who scooped out of his way to save an unfortunate soul and dedicate his life to him. </p><p>He'd take care of his wings, an angel's place is the sky. It was the least Sachirou could do in exchange. </p><p>Words were heavy, they cut the air between them relentlessly. Sometimes, words bled. Like the endless river of tears running down his face right now. Like a pained gaze at Sachirou's eyes, the green merging into a grieving gray after a rough night before a Schweiden Adlers match. A bad one. </p><p>He'd do anything to keep his angel flying.</p><p>Pathetic. It's what he is, hugging his knees and biting back the sobs that don't stop coming. It's not like he has planned out and it hurts so much. </p><p>He loves Kourai. He should let him go. </p><p>Sachirou was just… him. A broken boy, buried in his own loneliness trying to live a life he pretends he wants for himself. A young man who believed he could turn feelings on and off with the flip of a switch and smile his way into life.</p><p>Sachirou was no one special, no rare speeding comet lighting up the sky, no bright fixed star to guide the lost to their paths. </p><p>He was a planet. Worse, an asteroid. Aimlessly wandering, begging to be found. </p><p>"My prince" his own voice echoed in his mind. </p><p>A prince with child-like genuineness and sincerity, who thought the lost asteroid would be a nice place to leave. </p><p>What will it be like without him?</p><p>Kourai made Sachirou feel as if he’s something beautiful. The way his eyes gleamed when interlocked with Sachirou’s sparkled a galaxy of bright, gorgeous stars that danced above their heads. For them, and them only.<br/>
It made Sachirou believe he was worth saving. </p><p>But he was empty. Lost in the vast immensity of space, of time and life. He had no star to revolve around nor planet to crash into. </p><p>The star’s light was a flash, mere seconds of paradise sipping right through his fingers, inevitably. Intangible, untouchable. Nevertheless, as fast as light could be, it took time to reach the small asteroid lost in the belt.</p><p>Sachirou clings to that small interval and allows himself to breathe, slowly lifting his body from the floor, letting his eyes interlock with the one of his reflection. God, he looked awful. </p><p>The coolness of the water running down the faucet and coming in contact with his face is welcome. It doesn’t make his sore eyes hurt less, they’re still puffy and his vision is still blurry. His head weighs like lead over his shoulders and he doesn’t want anything but to lay down and sleep. </p><p>As he feels the water, now traveling down his throat, clear his thoughts and ease his breathing, he lets it sink in again. </p><p>He can’t erase the phantom pain that stabs his chest and the back of is head making him want to run and bury himself into the familiar dark, silent place that calls him back. He can only hope for the pain to become a slight, ghost touch against his skin, ticklish tingles on his knuckles. </p><p>When Sachirou’s sorrow is comforted, because time soothes it all, he will smile. He will be content to have had a glimpse of heaven besides the very embodiment of light. They will always be friends, united by the unreasonable and inexplicable rules of the funny universe we live in.</p><p>Maybe they can laugh together again, look up to the sky to watch the day and night merge into an orange, pink and blue painting on the sky and laugh at the few stars shying away from their view.</p><p>Because although Kourai’s light shines somewhere else, he’s become responsible for who he saved. </p><p>And he’s thankful. Thankful for Kourai, for taming him. For even the smallest hint that Kourai needed him. </p><p>To Hirugami Sachirou, Hoshiumi Kourai is unique in all the world. </p><p>Mayhaps, for the glowing star, the walking contradiction, the unhinged and unstoppable force that was Hoshiumi Kourai, Hirugami Sachirou had been unique in the world too. </p><p>
  <i>“One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed” Antoine de Saint-exupéry, The Little Prince</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I swear I shipp them don't judge me by my weird necessity to make someone suffer through this naturally angsty unlikely bound to break in half couple. </p><p>I also love comments, go on, ask me why did I do this.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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